The Joy of Sexual Physics

                                                                        with Dr John

 "Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"


Q  My girlfriend, Mingis, has a significantly lower sex drive than myself and so it has become a regular occurrence of late that I have resorted to masturbation. Recently in my physics class I have been learning about general relativity and the curvature of space-time and was wondering whether the existence of wormholes could open up new methods of self-pleasure for me.


A  Terence, your speculations are spot on - wormholes can open up a number of interesting new methods of self-pleasure just like women’s holes have opened up methods of group-pleasure for millennia. But, before we understand these techniques of wormhole-assisted pleasure giving, let’s cover some of the background theory.

Einstein’s theory of general relativity centres around a concept called space-time. Space-time is not a flat surface but rather a 4-dimensional curvaceous figure that is distorted in the presence of mass-energy just like a sheet is distorted in the presence of a rock-hard object. Now from simple geometry, the shortest distance between two points on a curvaceous figure is not the length of a line drawn on this figure from one point to the next, but is rather the distance of a line projected straight through the figure connecting the points together. When a line like this actually exists like a tunnel through the fabric of space-time, then it is know as a wormhole.

A wormhole like this can form when a massive rotating star collapses and eventually flattens into a ring. An external object can then enter this ring, be subjected to a finite gravitational force and end up in the region of space-time where the wormhole connects. Now, if the distance between wormhole openings is relatively small and the external object entering the wormhole is an erect penis, then the wormhole can assist in the achievement of pleasure, which is the subject of your good question.

How you achieve self-pleasure here depends on whether you prefer oral or anal sex, but my opinion is that wormhole-assisted autofellatio is far more satisfying. Like most guys, you are probably not flexible enough to suck your own dick and you have probably not removed a rib like Marilyn Manson to achieve this, so this is why you need a wormhole with openings about 15cm apart. Align the wormhole openings with your mouth and erect penis. Then stick your penis into the opening that is closest to it and, whatever the proportion of your penis, you should see it now in close proximity to your mouth. I’m not going to tell you what to do from here because it’s filthy and you can work it out for yourself. Use your imagination.

Now if you are one of those people who prefers anal sex then you may wish to try wormhole-assisted anal intercourse. This has its difficulties though, as you will see. Align the wormhole openings with your penis and buttocks so that your erect penis enters one opening and actually ends up behind you. Now try thrusting. Go on. Well actually, you can’t. The problem here is that every time you thrust in and your entire pelvis moves forwards, your penis moves forwards too but your buttocks move away in synchrony. It would seem that anal sex with yourself was never meant to be. Sorry.

Other problems with both wormhole-assisted methods of achieving self-pleasure arise from the scarcity of wormholes and the fact that none of the potentially harmful effects of wormhole usage have ever been disproved. For example, it is possible that a penis entering a wormhole could be torn apart by the massive gravitational forces at the centre of the wormhole. Even if it is not destroyed, the shape of your penis could be affected by spending a lot of time in highly curved space-time. People have complained about having highly bent penises but the possibility of having a U-shaped knob has been proposed as a result of this process and would be far more detrimental to vaginal insertion than a mere bend.

Another possibility is that the very presence of a penis within a wormhole could itself cause the wormhole to collapse and the entrance to close thus detaching the penis from the body entirely. This could possibly explain the Detachable Penis song by King Missile where the protagonist wakes up one morning with his penis missing only finding it later on sale in a mall.

Yet another potential problem is that of time dilation. It has been hypothesised that time slows down inside a wormhole and comes to a complete halt at the centre. Even if time doesn’t stop at the centre, it is highly conceivable that it could take a very long time, maybe even days, for a penis to go from one side of a wormhole to another. The potential for disaster here is huge. For example, if someone were to walk in on you while you were orally masturbating through a wormhole it could take you weeks for you to finally withdraw your penis. In this time you would be pinned to the one location while any number of people came to perve or study your inventive masturbation techniques.

For all these reasons, wormhole-assisted methods of self-pleasure, although of intense theoretical interest, are probably not actually worth the risk. You would be better off creating a female clone of yourself by replacing your Y chromosome with an X chromosome from your father, implanting the altered genome into a human embryo, waiting 16 years for the embryo to develop, and then having sex with yourself that way. Or how about you just stop being selfish and try foreplay on your girlfriend. That might be a little easier, Terence.

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Since the end of the twentieth century, Dr John Marshall, Ph.D. Sexual Physics has been a sex and relationships writer taking the little-known sexual wisdom from the ivory tower realm of the theoretical physicist to the layperson.
Feel free to write to him at [email protected] or you can visit his webpage at

© John Marshall, 2003